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Meh, Just my randomnessMy mood? Depressed. Constantly. October 30 Yay!Alright, alright, alright. I gotta stop this whole "not updating my blog for months/years" thing that I have going on. Ok, so it is now, October 31 (2008). I am happily married, have a new job (Wal~Mart), and am taking care of my younger sister (through a series of horrific events that took place recently) SO yes, I am doing well and all that. Woot! February 13 UPDAAATTTEEEEOk, been nealy 2 years since I last blogged on here. So here I go. It is now February 13, 2008. I am 20, and will be turning 21 in June. I am engaged, and am getting married next month (which is very very very exciting). My new job, is acting as front end cashier for Sobeys (booo)
Hmm... what else... I moved to Ontario last year. That is all I can really think of at the moment. June 11 StuffIt's my birthday tomorrow. I'm going to be 19. Whoopee. I am so thrilled  I somehow made it this far without killing myself. Which is quite amazing. Meh. I'm gonna go to Scores and get drunk. Which will be fun because I haven't gotten drunk in a very long time. But hey, it's my birthday, why not get alcohol poisoning? Oh well. The one person that I want to be here with me for my birthday is too far away to be here (move closer Tiffy) Ive been pretty depressed lately. For some reason I've been thinking about all the people that it seems I've stopped being friends with for no reason. Which really sucks, seeing as how I've known most of them for years. Like Matt. We used to hang out alot, but we haven't talked in months. Or Tyler, I haven't seen or heard from him since grad, so thats over a year. Jaradin moved to Cambridge Ontario. We used to talk on MSN almost everyday, but I havn't heard from him in months. Melissa...... I dunno what happened there....seems like she was my friend for like....a month.... I dunno....the first time I ever talked to her she said she would be a hard person to get rid of...so I dunno what I did to make her stop being my friend. Kyle....I miss him...he killed himself a few months ago. That makes like...the fourth friend of mine that killed themself. I'm doing fulltime midnight shifts now. I like that. The night is so much more fun than the day. I get to work with Cam. He's cool. He looks like Kerry King. April 24 One More DayCancelled compasion This our ignorance Smile everlasting Much less eminenet Stay time heals everything One more day to regret One more day to regret In my eyes I see Free deleverance Not everlasting Such is punishment You take me higher Than the lowest place yet One more day to regret April 18 SadI make a call
So far to fall Restless craving Inundating The summer snow But it's not cold Once it's tested Thus infected I've lost myself again I've lost myself again It's a nightmare But it's clear It will end But when? The break of day I rot away With every breath I pray for death (Death) I've lost myself again I've lost myself again It's a nightmare But it's clear It will end But when? Let me say pepsi generation A few lines of misinformation Watch your money flow away oh so quick To kill yourself properly coke is it ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Champagne glass of blood and wine ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel I focus on the pain The only thing that's real The needle tears a hole The old familiar sting Try to kill it all away But I remember everything What have I become? My sweetest friend Everyone I know Goes away in the end And you could have it all My empire of dirt I will let you down I will make you hurt I wear this crown of thorns Upon my liar's chair Full of broken thoughts I cannot repair Beneath the stains of time The feeling disappears You are someone else I am still right here What have I become? My sweetest friend Everyone I know Goes away in the end And you could have it all My empire of dirt I will let you down I will make you hurt If I could start again A million miles away I would keep myself I would find a way ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I look to the sky
the sun has faded away the moonlight shines down on me the gods play their symphonies I feel so lost I fall on my knees I think about times that used to be when we danced just you and me I cant't find the right words to say I don't know how to say goodbye Here...here I am...life is bright... ...There's no sorrow...nothing can stop us... ...Showed us hope....Angel of my forest... ...Saw my perfect...in my own soul.. death is unfair...that's real pain... ...Remoun you...I'm almost dead... ...I've...I've lost my hope... ...My...my will to live... ...My last farewell...forever...all alone... In my eyes you see no pride In my eyes you see no light In my eyes you see a tear In my eyes you see my fear In my eyes you see my love In my eyes you see no plight In my eyes you see my hate In my eyes you see my fate Forever all alone ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Disarm you with a smile
And cut you like you want me to Cut that little child Inside of me and such a part of you Ooh, the years burn I used to be a little boy So old in my shoes And what i choose is my choice What's a boy supposed to do? The killer in me is the killer in you My love I send this smile over to you Disarm you with a smile And leave you like they left me here To wither in denial The bitterness of one who's left alone Ooh, the years burn Ooh, the years burn, burn, burn I used to be a little boy So old in my shoes And what I choose is my voice What's a boy supposed to do? The killer in me is the killer in you My love I send this smile over to you The killer in me is the killer in you Send this smile over to you The killer in me is the killer in you Send this smile over to you The killer in me is the killer in you Send this smile over to you ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
All my life
Lost in a dream Through my eyes A world no one sees All my life No place for me Through me eyes A child no one needs I can't take it no more Can't take it no more What spirits come from my soul Can't wait any more Can't hate any more Last steps to freedom I go Can't take it no more Forsaken for sure My wishing well's For washing the lost Can't wait anymore My pain is too much No one hears me There ain't no love No shame no more No blame for sure My wishing well is Calling me home Please don't touch me Please don't fuck me Please don't touch me Please don't touch me ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Time to go away
Down a road I cannot hide Will I have no name For destiny's I cannot find Will I wander alone Forever's lonely road of time Am I looking for what I'll never find Did you call my name I will be leaving from this dream Can you feel the pain Slowly leaving me Will you hold my hand And ease me to the other side Am I looking for what I'll never find Can you hear me Can you hear me in the night Will you feel me If you leave me will I cry? Can you hear me Can you feel me say goodbye ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bend Me, Wrap Me Up And Send Me
Take Me, Take Me Off Of The Streets Watch Me, Fighting For My Reality Wait Here, Waiting For My Time Shake Me, Please Try To Wake Me Im Slipping Away, From The Place Where I Lay So Take Me I Never Meant To Quit On You I Never Meant To Quit On You ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Blow the last candle out. Let the wax harden
I wish I could stop crying. And I wish that someone still loved me Just breathe and focus. How can I when the air is so cold and empty, That my lungs froze right in my chest. I'll be honest the silver linings are getting harder and harder to manufacture And the smiles are so difficult to fake. What do I have to do, or who do I have to kill, to get what I want. What I need Happiness is an emotion I was born to this world without, nothing pleases me. And I can never be satiated. Through this toil I will breed my own distress and destroy my best hopes, fuck up the only things that I love. I watched my aspirations crashing to the ground, on the backs of the angels that I've slain. But I meant so well, I tried so hard, gave everyting in my soul, to what end, to what end Desolation, desire, exhale, pass away. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After all that has transpired
After all thats taken place After all the stab wounds And just just before my death I rise pheonix, like anew From the still burning ashes of false hearts lies To fly once again, to shine from within Dismember my myself Severe my viens Poisen myself A heartless joke Slash at my neck Gouge out my eyes Screaming in agony You pacify me. Bleeding hearts shed no tears Soaked all the way through with remorse and regret Fire to purify my soul and blood to replenish it I search in hopes of completion to justify my love for you Nothing ever ends where our souls begin Nothing can save me from myself You keep me safe Resurrecting my love An angel like you Can never fall Heaven i found Right in my arms I found love in you I find truth in you I see light in you And it horrifies me ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Starving searching this barren wasteland
Trying to grasp being this alone Pleading for a breath of fresh air, someone's standing on my chest Dying I'm asphyxiating myself Break myself slave to my weakness choke on my words Oh I'm drowning and I feel so alone The lights are on and I wish I was home My lips are screaming pretty nothings My ears are bleeding for want of words, fuck words I need actions Hope as left me fucking shattered Someone's standing on my chest Alone would be a pleasant change from here How do you gauge loneliness how you ever felt so alone It feels like the light will never reach me here I am choking back my longing for shed tears So strangulated by my lonesome fears plead Don't worry too much, it only hurts when I breathe ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After all this time of asking questions
Of trying to find something to quiet this soul I'm left alone within my mind into this self-made hell I delve It's not as hot as you think More so dark and cold with no room to breathe I'm sorry, I don't think it's going to be okay this time My heart has skipped its final beat It's beating me down onto the floor That must mean that the pills are working The glass isn't half empty this time I smashed it to the ground a long long time ago It shattered when it fell and I broke to pieces Each shard's another reason, another way to give up This skin is so tight that the air can't reach my brain There is nothing telling my heart to beat any faster To let me scream for help, I will never give up I will never take the easy way out This is life This is struggle This is love This is war ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ April 17 Thursday Nights Drunkeringfest!Ummmm lets just say....uh....FUGGIN WOW! Ok, on Thursday, me and my buddy Justing went to the bar at like..6 oclock right? We stayed there for a couple hours getting drunk. So here we are wonderfully inebriated when we leave. We pass a liquor store and pick up a 24 of Kokanee. We take that back to his house and polished it off. Then we decide to go back to the liquor store and purchase another....which we also polished off. So now I am sitting here with a gash in my leg, half my elbow missing, and various chunks of glass in my palm. I think Thursday Nights Drunkeringfest was a success. (just so you know, we were running through an alley, in which I then fell with my empty bottle, which then proceeded to shatter and cut me up a bit...then the pavement beat me up and stole half my elbow)
I still have a cold. My throat reeeaaaaalllly hurts. I really don't want to go to work today. But I have to. Oh well. April 13 Dunno what to titleHmmm, I suppose I should attempt to update this.
I have a cold. My throat hurts.
I'm going out drinking with Justin, Kyle, and Eldon tonight. Kyle and Eldon are my dads friends (well..theyr'e my friends too) Anyway's were gonna go out drinking. WHOOOO DRINKING!!!!! Last time I went drinking I started at about 4:30 pm and ended at 3:00 am. THen Bryan and I went to see Dave Chappelles Block Party (I was drunk, he wasn't) Then I went to Denny's and had a steak for breakfast. Good times. I dunno if I'm gonna have a steak for breakfast again tonight though.
I learned how to play the Narshe Theme (Final Fantasy 3) and the battle theme (Final Fantasy 3) on my bass. I love the battle theme. It's like all dun nun nun nun nun nun do do dun nun nun nun nun nun do do dun nun nun nun nun nun do do dun nun nun nun nun nun do do doodododododooodoo dodododoooo
Haha there was a hold up with the bass strap I ordered. It seems noone in my house knows how to answer a fucking phone when FedEx calls. Stupid parents. So now my strap is getting sent through regular mail. Which also reminds me, I should be getting my Pikcard sample soon. Pikcard is this card that fits into your wallet AND holds 4 guitar picks. It's awesome. This way I'll always have a pick with me. I'm gonna feel like fucking royalty.
I bought the new Rob Zombie album. It was different. John 5 was on guitar? FUCKING BLASPHEMY! Some other asshole that isn't Tempesta is on drums? WHAT THE SHIT?
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