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October 30 Yay!Alright, alright, alright. I gotta stop this whole "not updating my blog for months/years" thing that I have going on. Ok, so it is now, October 31 (2008). I am happily married, have a new job (Wal~Mart), and am taking care of my younger sister (through a series of horrific events that took place recently) SO yes, I am doing well and all that. Woot! February 13 UPDAAATTTEEEEOk, been nealy 2 years since I last blogged on here. So here I go. It is now February 13, 2008. I am 20, and will be turning 21 in June. I am engaged, and am getting married next month (which is very very very exciting). My new job, is acting as front end cashier for Sobeys (booo)
Hmm... what else... I moved to Ontario last year. That is all I can really think of at the moment. June 11 StuffIt's my birthday tomorrow. I'm going to be 19. Whoopee. I am so thrilled  I somehow made it this far without killing myself. Which is quite amazing. Meh. I'm gonna go to Scores and get drunk. Which will be fun because I haven't gotten drunk in a very long time. But hey, it's my birthday, why not get alcohol poisoning? Oh well. The one person that I want to be here with me for my birthday is too far away to be here (move closer Tiffy) Ive been pretty depressed lately. For some reason I've been thinking about all the people that it seems I've stopped being friends with for no reason. Which really sucks, seeing as how I've known most of them for years. Like Matt. We used to hang out alot, but we haven't talked in months. Or Tyler, I haven't seen or heard from him since grad, so thats over a year. Jaradin moved to Cambridge Ontario. We used to talk on MSN almost everyday, but I havn't heard from him in months. Melissa...... I dunno what happened there....seems like she was my friend for like....a month.... I dunno....the first time I ever talked to her she said she would be a hard person to get rid of...so I dunno what I did to make her stop being my friend. Kyle....I miss him...he killed himself a few months ago. That makes like...the fourth friend of mine that killed themself. I'm doing fulltime midnight shifts now. I like that. The night is so much more fun than the day. I get to work with Cam. He's cool. He looks like Kerry King. April 24 One More DayCancelled compasion This our ignorance Smile everlasting Much less eminenet Stay time heals everything One more day to regret One more day to regret In my eyes I see Free deleverance Not everlasting Such is punishment You take me higher Than the lowest place yet One more day to regret April 18 SadI make a call
So far to fall Restless craving Inundating The summer snow But it's not cold Once it's tested Thus infected I've lost myself again I've lost myself again It's a nightmare But it's clear It will end But when? The break of day I rot away With every breath I pray for death (Death) I've lost myself again I've lost myself again It's a nightmare But it's clear It will end But when? Let me say pepsi generation A few lines of misinformation Watch your money flow away oh so quick To kill yourself properly coke is it ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Champagne glass of blood and wine ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel I focus on the pain The only thing that's real The needle tears a hole The old familiar sting Try to kill it all away But I remember everything What have I become? My sweetest friend Everyone I know Goes away in the end And you could have it all My empire of dirt I will let you down I will make you hurt I wear this crown of thorns Upon my liar's chair Full of broken thoughts I cannot repair Beneath the stains of time The feeling disappears You are someone else I am still right here What have I become? My sweetest friend Everyone I know Goes away in the end And you could have it all My empire of dirt I will let you down I will make you hurt If I could start again A million miles away I would keep myself I would find a way ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I look to the sky
the sun has faded away the moonlight shines down on me the gods play their symphonies I feel so lost I fall on my knees I think about times that used to be when we danced just you and me I cant't find the right words to say I don't know how to say goodbye Here...here I am...life is bright... ...There's no sorrow...nothing can stop us... ...Showed us hope....Angel of my forest... ...Saw my perfect...in my own soul.. death is unfair...that's real pain... ...Remoun you...I'm almost dead... ...I've...I've lost my hope... ...My...my will to live... ...My last farewell...forever...all alone... In my eyes you see no pride In my eyes you see no light In my eyes you see a tear In my eyes you see my fear In my eyes you see my love In my eyes you see no plight In my eyes you see my hate In my eyes you see my fate Forever all alone ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Disarm you with a smile
And cut you like you want me to Cut that little child Inside of me and such a part of you Ooh, the years burn I used to be a little boy So old in my shoes And what i choose is my choice What's a boy supposed to do? The killer in me is the killer in you My love I send this smile over to you Disarm you with a smile And leave you like they left me here To wither in denial The bitterness of one who's left alone Ooh, the years burn Ooh, the years burn, burn, burn I used to be a little boy So old in my shoes And what I choose is my voice What's a boy supposed to do? The killer in me is the killer in you My love I send this smile over to you The killer in me is the killer in you Send this smile over to you The killer in me is the killer in you Send this smile over to you The killer in me is the killer in you Send this smile over to you ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
All my life
Lost in a dream Through my eyes A world no one sees All my life No place for me Through me eyes A child no one needs I can't take it no more Can't take it no more What spirits come from my soul Can't wait any more Can't hate any more Last steps to freedom I go Can't take it no more Forsaken for sure My wishing well's For washing the lost Can't wait anymore My pain is too much No one hears me There ain't no love No shame no more No blame for sure My wishing well is Calling me home Please don't touch me Please don't fuck me Please don't touch me Please don't touch me ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Time to go away
Down a road I cannot hide Will I have no name For destiny's I cannot find Will I wander alone Forever's lonely road of time Am I looking for what I'll never find Did you call my name I will be leaving from this dream Can you feel the pain Slowly leaving me Will you hold my hand And ease me to the other side Am I looking for what I'll never find Can you hear me Can you hear me in the night Will you feel me If you leave me will I cry? Can you hear me Can you feel me say goodbye ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bend Me, Wrap Me Up And Send Me
Take Me, Take Me Off Of The Streets Watch Me, Fighting For My Reality Wait Here, Waiting For My Time Shake Me, Please Try To Wake Me Im Slipping Away, From The Place Where I Lay So Take Me I Never Meant To Quit On You I Never Meant To Quit On You ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Blow the last candle out. Let the wax harden
I wish I could stop crying. And I wish that someone still loved me Just breathe and focus. How can I when the air is so cold and empty, That my lungs froze right in my chest. I'll be honest the silver linings are getting harder and harder to manufacture And the smiles are so difficult to fake. What do I have to do, or who do I have to kill, to get what I want. What I need Happiness is an emotion I was born to this world without, nothing pleases me. And I can never be satiated. Through this toil I will breed my own distress and destroy my best hopes, fuck up the only things that I love. I watched my aspirations crashing to the ground, on the backs of the angels that I've slain. But I meant so well, I tried so hard, gave everyting in my soul, to what end, to what end Desolation, desire, exhale, pass away. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After all that has transpired
After all thats taken place After all the stab wounds And just just before my death I rise pheonix, like anew From the still burning ashes of false hearts lies To fly once again, to shine from within Dismember my myself Severe my viens Poisen myself A heartless joke Slash at my neck Gouge out my eyes Screaming in agony You pacify me. Bleeding hearts shed no tears Soaked all the way through with remorse and regret Fire to purify my soul and blood to replenish it I search in hopes of completion to justify my love for you Nothing ever ends where our souls begin Nothing can save me from myself You keep me safe Resurrecting my love An angel like you Can never fall Heaven i found Right in my arms I found love in you I find truth in you I see light in you And it horrifies me ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Starving searching this barren wasteland
Trying to grasp being this alone Pleading for a breath of fresh air, someone's standing on my chest Dying I'm asphyxiating myself Break myself slave to my weakness choke on my words Oh I'm drowning and I feel so alone The lights are on and I wish I was home My lips are screaming pretty nothings My ears are bleeding for want of words, fuck words I need actions Hope as left me fucking shattered Someone's standing on my chest Alone would be a pleasant change from here How do you gauge loneliness how you ever felt so alone It feels like the light will never reach me here I am choking back my longing for shed tears So strangulated by my lonesome fears plead Don't worry too much, it only hurts when I breathe ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After all this time of asking questions
Of trying to find something to quiet this soul I'm left alone within my mind into this self-made hell I delve It's not as hot as you think More so dark and cold with no room to breathe I'm sorry, I don't think it's going to be okay this time My heart has skipped its final beat It's beating me down onto the floor That must mean that the pills are working The glass isn't half empty this time I smashed it to the ground a long long time ago It shattered when it fell and I broke to pieces Each shard's another reason, another way to give up This skin is so tight that the air can't reach my brain There is nothing telling my heart to beat any faster To let me scream for help, I will never give up I will never take the easy way out This is life This is struggle This is love This is war ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ April 17 Thursday Nights Drunkeringfest!Ummmm lets just say....uh....FUGGIN WOW! Ok, on Thursday, me and my buddy Justing went to the bar at like..6 oclock right? We stayed there for a couple hours getting drunk. So here we are wonderfully inebriated when we leave. We pass a liquor store and pick up a 24 of Kokanee. We take that back to his house and polished it off. Then we decide to go back to the liquor store and purchase another....which we also polished off. So now I am sitting here with a gash in my leg, half my elbow missing, and various chunks of glass in my palm. I think Thursday Nights Drunkeringfest was a success. (just so you know, we were running through an alley, in which I then fell with my empty bottle, which then proceeded to shatter and cut me up a bit...then the pavement beat me up and stole half my elbow)
I still have a cold. My throat reeeaaaaalllly hurts. I really don't want to go to work today. But I have to. Oh well. April 13 Dunno what to titleHmmm, I suppose I should attempt to update this.
I have a cold. My throat hurts.
I'm going out drinking with Justin, Kyle, and Eldon tonight. Kyle and Eldon are my dads friends (well..theyr'e my friends too) Anyway's were gonna go out drinking. WHOOOO DRINKING!!!!! Last time I went drinking I started at about 4:30 pm and ended at 3:00 am. THen Bryan and I went to see Dave Chappelles Block Party (I was drunk, he wasn't) Then I went to Denny's and had a steak for breakfast. Good times. I dunno if I'm gonna have a steak for breakfast again tonight though.
I learned how to play the Narshe Theme (Final Fantasy 3) and the battle theme (Final Fantasy 3) on my bass. I love the battle theme. It's like all dun nun nun nun nun nun do do dun nun nun nun nun nun do do dun nun nun nun nun nun do do dun nun nun nun nun nun do do doodododododooodoo dodododoooo
Haha there was a hold up with the bass strap I ordered. It seems noone in my house knows how to answer a fucking phone when FedEx calls. Stupid parents. So now my strap is getting sent through regular mail. Which also reminds me, I should be getting my Pikcard sample soon. Pikcard is this card that fits into your wallet AND holds 4 guitar picks. It's awesome. This way I'll always have a pick with me. I'm gonna feel like fucking royalty.
I bought the new Rob Zombie album. It was different. John 5 was on guitar? FUCKING BLASPHEMY! Some other asshole that isn't Tempesta is on drums? WHAT THE SHIT?
March 16 WHEEEWoot, it is almost somewhat close to Friday, which is St. ANTHONY GETS FUCKEN DRUNK Day.......YAH!!! ALso, I got my new X-Box yesterday. Which means I can play Morrowind without having to worry about the X-Box freezing the crap up. I've been listening to Helloween alot lately. Because they are cool and sound Swedish or something, even though they aren't Swedish. But they are still like all "Dr Stein grows funny creatures *guitar solo*" which is good enough for me. My X-Box is so platinumy silverish. I wanna repaint it a better color. Meh, that takes time. Maybe I'll just put stickers all over it. Meh. Both Rob Zombie and Atreyu have a new album coming out on March 28th. I want the Rob Zombie album more. I just hope it's better than his last album (The Sinister Urge) which was an ok album, just not as good as any of his previous stuff. Maybe he should reform White Zombie. That would be awesome.
Now I wanna sing some Bling Guardian....so...."HALLOWEEN! The wizards crown shall be mine on HALLOWEEN!" March 08 ColdAs you read this post, imagine me singing it. Because that's how I am writing it.
I have a cold, I have a cold. FUCK THIS COLD, this stupid cold. I don't want to goto to work, Kelly is a bitch, Mark is weird, my throat hurts some good. Bawwwkbagawk mutha fucka! Bawkbagawk god damn god damn! Lil Jon sucks, but at least he is made fun of. Cuz he sucks. Dirty deeds and the THUNDERCLEESE, dirty deeds and the THUNDERCLEESE! Laserbeams....Zoraks...Mr. Tickles THUNDERCLEESE! Shorties.....Illegal Narcotics... Giant Robots THUNDERCLEESE! dun....dunehd dunnn dun eh dun...dun dunun....THUNDERCLEESE! Thundercleese is sp cool. I want to be him for Halloween. Or just everyday. Whichever one lets me shoot lasers and sing in a robotic voice.
Thundercleese: "I'm the law I'm the law I'm the law....I'm the law I'm the law I'm the law...lawwww"
Zorak: "Cram it jerkwater"
Thundercleese: "That is not your line! Only Thundercleese improvises!" *blows up Zorak* March 02 klopojsMy back hurts. And I have a headache. Bleh. Oh well.
I bought the Corpse Bride. It wasn't nearly as good as I thought it would have been. It pretty much downright sucked. Nightmare Before Christmas was so much better. I also bought Saw 2. It was ok.
Mayhem is a cool band. Same with Immortal. YAY for Norweigan metal.
I'm trying to find some of the old King Diamond albums. But no music store has any. So I may have to order them.
My back still hurts.
Me, Bryan, and Jeff got drunk lastnight. Jeff passed out at Humptys. He had to work at 6:30. It was funny. We woke him up at 6:15 and were like "Hey Jeff, you work in 15 minutes" and he looks at his watch and says "Fuck you, I still got 3 and a half hours!" Yah...it was funny.
I'm quitting my job. Barb (the assistant manager) is getting transfered to Southview, so everyone is like all "Fuck this shit, I don't want to deal with that bitch Kelly." Because Kelly is coming back. So I'm going to quit.
February 15 Valentines DaySpent Valentines Day alone. Or at least I would have if I didn't take Dustins shift. He was supposed to work yesterday, but I took his shift so he could take his girlfriend out for a nice evening. I don't care though. I would have spent Valentines Day alone anyway (seeing as how noone loves me) Well....I didn't really spend it alone, seeing as how I had a bottle of R&R. It was good. I got drunk. Wheeee, you gotta like not being loved. Such an awesome feeling. It's pretty reassuring knowing that your going to go through life alone and unloved.
I've been thinking of suicide lately (at least a lot more than normal) I dunno...it just seems so fun. And I am reeeaaaally considering it, as I'm rreally stressed out with life, work, college, home, etc. Oh, and the fact that I'm a failure at everything I do. February 10 LifeWork sucks, college sucks, life sucks. I hope everyone in the worlds just randomly dies all at the same time. It would be funny. Except me, I would still be alive. Then I could steal everyones money, and have sex with their dead bodies. Fuckers.
I really have not been in a good mood lately. I just want to kill everyone I see. THen make them get up so I can kill them again. Stress rocks. Especially when your a stressed out psycho depressed lunatic. I'm really tired and stressed out.
I think I might quit work. Or drop out of college. Or do both, and then go jump off of a bridge. Or drinks some draino. Or something fun like that.
Stupid Valentines day, you think your so good. You and your happy loving couples and your flowers and chocolates. I hate you. Happy people should die and go fuck themselves. What makes you so much better than me? Fuckers. Happy people don't deserve all their happiness. Maybe I should cut off their legs or something. Or rip their arms off and beat them to death. "No! Stop it! Don't beat me to death with my own arms! GRAGHG!" Death. Valentines day should be banned. It's a "holiday" than can only be participated in by some. And by some I mean the stupid fucking happy people that are in relationships. Fuckers. Them and their fucking happiness. I hope they all die in horrible painful ways.
In the words of Slipknot:
"FUCK IT ALL! FUCK THIS WORLD! FUCK EVERYTHING THAT YOU STAND FOR! DON'T BELONG! DON'T EXIST! DON'T GIVE ME A SHIT! DON'T EVER JUDGE ME!" February 07 ..,..,Gene Simmons. I have lost a lot of respect for this man. First it's his shitty solo album that he put out last year. Then it's that stupid school of rock type thing where he tried to teach British kids how to be cool. And a thousand other little random things (motivational speaker anybody?) But now.....A FUCKING REALITY TV SHOW! Dammit Gene, have you ever watched an episode of the Osbournes? Y'know how your TV show is going to turn out? JUST LIKE THAT! A COMPLETE PEICE OF SHIT AND WASTE OF BLOODY FUCKING TIME! Why do you need a TV show? NOT LIKE YOUR NOT ALREADY A BLOODY MULTI-MILLIONAIRE! I hurts to say this about the guy but.... Gene....you fucked up hardcore. Your not cool anymore. You had your day with Kiss, but your old now. We don't need you, don't need to hear about you, and don't need TO SEE YOU ON A FUCKING TV SHOW! Ahhh, February. The time of love and my favorite holiday. No, not Valentines Day. I said MY holiday. I call it "Fuck Valentines Day Day" Like Valentines Day, it falls on the 14th of every February. But unlike Valentines Day, it's full of hatred and loathing and bitching, and no love (anyone read my journal entry last year around this time?) Valentines Day is complete bullshit and I hate it. I want it to be destroyed. DIE HAPPY PEOPLE DIE! Fuckers. Now, what does one give on my holiday you may ask. Well, it's not chocolate and flowers. You give eachother gifts of razorblades and weeds. Maybe a dead cat if you really hate them. And you don't take your "signifigant other" out for a romantic dinner. You take them to a graveyard . That's how you express your feelings of hate and loathing. February 03 PshhhhhhhhhhAWWWWW!I. Am. So. Fuckin. Hungry.... AHHHHH! Blue Dwarf....NEEDS FOOD!
I started up RPG Maker 2. I'm so totally going to make Atwood the Destroyer. It's gonna be great, and it's gonna make Squaresoft jealous. I say Squaresoft because I don't accept the fact that Square merged with Enix. Enix just isn't good enough to be mentioned. I'm not saying that Enix sucks or anything, because they are a good company, I'm just saying that they aren't in the same league as Square.
College is going good so far I guess. I'm not really failing anything....yet at least. I met some cool people, Takuto and Goro. They are Japanese (which means they are superior to me)
I bought some Helloween the other day. The Keeper of the 7 Keys (both parts 1 and 2) Good ol' Helloween. What would we do without Kai Hansen? On the topic of music- It is now February, which means the new FIST album should be ready for ordering. If it is I am so totally going to order it. FIST is one of the greatest bands I've ever heard. Ron Chenier....YOU ARE A GOD!!!!! I hope my Bowser and Blue CD's come soon. January 20 BLEHMEHHmmm...college.....is.....ok so far...I guess. It's kinda like highschool. Everyone is an asshole it seems. Meh. I'm used to it. I have a headache. RAWR!
Work is ok. Midnight shifts are fun....except for the drunken fucks that come in to buy smokes or just talk. Asswankers.
I ordered 2 Bowser and Blue cd's from HMV..I hope I get those soon. Then I can listen to such classic songs as...Rapping Rambo...and In Like With A Dyke Named Spike....and.....The Japanese Song....and....The Ganja Man December 30 Leave me aloneWould anyone notice if I just dissapeared? Would anyone really care. I mean really care? It seems I am just another person to all I know, not a real friend but a mere aqcuaintance (I only have 1 true friend, the same person who has been my best friend these past 7 or so years) If I were to just suddenly die, dissapear, whatever- life would go on for all these people, they care not about me. People hardly talk to me much as is. "Life is empty, happiness is a lie" I am so very tired of life, and all the false "friends" I have. If you don't want to talke to me, if you don't want to be my friend, then don't say you will. If it is so hard to maintain a friendship with me, then don't bother starting one. If you don't want anything to do with me- then please, leave me alone. It's just that much less pain for me. December 26 WTFChristmas sucked. I got a lint brush. What the fuck am I supposed to do with a lint brush? December 19 High HopesBeyond the horizon of the place we lived when we were young In a world of magnets and miracles Our thoughts strayed constantly and without boundary The ringing of the division bell had begun Along the Long Road and on down the Causeway Do they still meet there by the Cut There was a ragged band that followed in our footsteps Running before time took our dreams away Leaving the myriad small creatures trying to tie us to the ground To a life consumed by slow decay The grass was greener The light was brighter With friends surrounded The night of wonder Looking beyond the embers of bridges glowing behind us To a glimpse of how green it was on the other side Steps taken forwards but sleepwalking back again Dragged by the force of some inner tide At a higher altitude with flag unfurled We reached the dizzy heights of that dreamed of world Encumbered forever by desire and ambition There's a hunger still unsatisfied Our weary eyes still stray to the horizon Though down this road we've been so many times The grass was greener The light was brighter The taste was sweeter The nights of wonder With friends surrounded The dawn mist glowing The water flowing The endless river Forever and ever Random WritingsThese are just some random things I've been writing throughout the night. One of my friends thought it was Edgar Allen Poe or something. Although it's nice to be compared to him, I'm not that good. And yes, I do know that these suck. I suck. Blah blah blah. I once had a vision, a dream, a sliver of thought which was lost in a haze. The fog set in, no more was the vision there. Instead in its place was a warm glow, a feeling of something, warm and comforting. And then my eyes were opened. A bottle of brandy and a bullet to the head is enough to shake the thoughts of any man. What is insanity? The standard of which we are not sane? The mental state we are in is not stable enough to house and adhere to the codes of a morally functioning society? But why should society set the standards of normality? We are free to choose, but still go with the main idea, like a twig caught in a stream. The twig can break free of the streams pull, but seems to continue to float down. A transient thought, the moon shining bright. Moon taking over the place of the sun, eternal darkness covering all our hearts. As we are bathed in moonlight, our most primal instincts are allowed to run rampant, our carnal knowledge reaming from our pores. Moonlit desire haunt all who are present, the sun a distant memory in the minds of the wild beasts we have become. |
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